For the Love of Thyroid Surgery

Be prepared, this one is a little long.  I was going through my Timehop app today, and this showed up:

It brought me back to the beginning of a crazy journey that started over 3 years ago.

I have always had trouble with my thyroid as long as I can remember.  I had blood tests done throughout the years, but the results were always normal.  After some in-depth testing, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disease where basically my body attacks my thyroid.  It's just rude really.

Finally about 4 years ago, I had noticed that the lump in my throat seemed worse, and my voice was fatiguing and almost painful at the end of choir practice.  I was involved in the city chorale and our church choir at the time, so at first I thought I was doing too much, so I backed down.  Even still, my voice would get hoarse just from reading my daughter a short story book, so I decided to see the doctor again.  They sent me to get an ultrasound, which I truly believe could be considered a form of torture.  I already feel like I have a lump in my throat, so now I get to have someone press something up against my neck (not so gently I might add) until I felt like I couldn't breathe.  It was probably only about 15 minutes, but it felt like hours!

I was referred to an ENT to discuss what to do next.  I had assumed that I would be seeing an endocrinologist, so I was pretty surprised to see that ENTs treat thyroids as well.  In hindsight, the thryoid is located in the throat (T of ENT), so there you have it.When I got to his office, he let me know that they found a multi-nodular goiter on the right side of my thyroid (I mean seriously?) and a nodule that was borderline worrisome in size, but the real concern was that it had blood flow to it, which can be an indicator of cancer.  My doctor felt strongly that it wasn't, but they would do a biopsy when they removed the nodule along with the left side of my thyroid.  He said they would do the biopsy when I was still in surgery, and if it came back as cancerous they would go ahead and take the right side of my thyroid as well.

Fast forward to the day of surgery, I am unusually calm considering the fact that I am heading back to me 2nd surgery ever.  My family and pastor was there to pray with me beforehand, and then I went back.  I was asleep the whole time, so it went well for me!  I just remember being in recovery and asking if they just took half of the thyroid, and the answer was yes. :)  Apparently my poor husband didn't have the same relaxing experience.  My surgery that was supposed to take 45 minutes ended up taking over and hour and a half, due to the thryoid being so inflamed and bled quite a bit, plus the nodule was attached the vocal nerve.  Poor guy was outside sweating it thinking that they had to take the whole thyroid because the nodule was cancerous.  Thankfully that wasn't the case.  So we went home later that day, and recovery went well starting off.

I had adjusted to scarves being my new fall fashion to cover up my incision site, but the thing I couldn't get used to was my voice was not right and my swallowing was a bit off (I would choke very easily).  I talked in a higher octave, and it was very breathy and raspy.  I would get winded just saying a few sentences and forget trying to talk to people in a crowd because I couldn't be heard.  It was very isolating, and I started to avoid group situations due to it.  I also worried about being out and about with my kids or even by myself because I couldn't yell or scream if there was a dangerous situation.  These were all my initial concerns, so I went to the doctor again.  After 9 months of dealing with it, a couple of doctor appointments and two speech therapy evaluations, I found out that my left vocal chord had been completely paralyzed in the surgery, probably due to the removal of the nodule that was adhered to the nerve.

I'd had the surgery just a few weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Luckily I have an amazing friend who loaned me a gorgeous scarf to wear out to a nice dinner that night. :)

I was devastated.  While I knew that it was silly because otherwise I was healthy, but one thing occurred to me...I would probably never sing again.  Even with my voice slightly improving, it wasn't the same, and I would burst into coughing fits from strain. As I went to the speech therapist, she told me that likely I would always be paralyzed on the left side, which I still am, but she and the ENT were quite impressed that I had the vocal quality that I did have.  They were shocked in fact.  I told them that I was a singer (not professional by any means, but I have sang since I was little), and if possible, I would like to be able to do that still.  The speech therapist said I will never have the same range I did before, she thought with as well as I was doing now, that singing could definitely be in the future.  That was all I needed.  I worked towards singing again.

I made the mistake of getting back to singing at church a little too soon.  The will was there, but the ability not quite.  I sang a solo at the Christmas Eve surgery about a year and half after the surgery, and it was horrible.  I panicked on stage, had a slight anxiety attack, yet sang through it all (poor people in the congregation).  While it may not have been as bad as I thought, it was enough to scare me away from the thought of singing in front of others again...until about a year after that.  My vocal quality and confidence had continued to grow, and I had this crazy nudge to sing at church again.  Auditions for our praise band opened up, and I signed up.  I almost felt like God was saying, "I gave you this gift to sing, even through circumstances that should have taken it away.  You better use it!"  I auditioned, and...I have been singing with our praise band ever since.  I was so nervous but so glad I did it.  I went through some very low times thinking that I had lost this ability, so I definitely don't take it for granted now.  It's not perfect, and my voice wobbles from time to time, but I am proud of what I do have because now more than ever I realize that it is a gift.  When the doctors and therapists are shocked, I consider that a God thing. ;)

This was all confirmed again when I was reading, For the Love, this past year.  In her chapter, Run Your Race, Jen writes, "I don't like it when people minimize their gifts.  There is a difference between humility and insecurity, and self-effacement does no one any favors.  We teach our watching children to doubt and excuse and diminish themselves.  Do we want our kids to reflect on their mothers and have absolutely no idea what we loved?  What we were good at?"  My answer to this is a resounding "NO!"  I was so falling into the insecurity section both before and after my surgery.  Now I say use what you Father gave you!  Break all the rules, believe in miracles, and believe in yourself. :)

For the Love of Book Launches!! (And giveaways!)

Hello and welcome to this stop along Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love" blog tour!  I am so excited that you are here, and I welcome you with open arms.  Please pull up a comfy chair, grab a cup of coffee, tea, wine, or whatever your choice is, and enjoy the read. :)

My journey with Jen started a few years ago when I did the 7 study with my Sunday School class.  I was hooked from that point!  From there I have read Jen's personal journey with the 7 experiment, Interrupted, and Out the the Spin Cycle devotional.  When I saw a post from Jen's Facebook page this spring with a sign up to be a part of the launch group for her new book "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards," I thought, "why not?"  It stated that she was only taking 500 people, so I put down my coffee mug (which shows how serious I was) and  signed up immediately with hopes that I would make it, but not really expecting to.  Finding out later that 5,000 people had signed up to be a part of this launch, my expectations diminished further, but hope still held on, check my email neurotically, 5 times an hour.  Spring break rolled around,  and we left for our regular skiing trip in New Mexico where there is NO SIGNAL, I repeat, NO SIGNAL.  Apparently the whole town runs on one server, which didn't help my situation.  I would try and check my email during non-peak times to see if that email had come through yet.  As we were nearing the end of our vacation, I was checking my email one last time for the day, and there it was...

They may have heard my squeal all the way back to Texas.  I was in disbelief!!  I immediately downloaded our proof version, ran back to the bedroom for the peace and quiet, and began to read!  Thus began a life changing experience for me.  Not only did this book and Jen's oh-so-wise words make a difference in my heart, mind, and soul, but belonging to a launch team who laughed together, cried together, and prayed together.  What started as a Facebook group where we could discuss the book and the effect it has had on our lives, turned into a tribe of women (and a #bandoffour men) encouraging each other through this craziness we call life.  I am forever grateful and forever changed.

You guys this book!  This book is for everyone!  Yes it is marketed towards women, but the #bandoffour men on our launch team enjoyed it as well.  Jen's writes so beautifully and intimately that you feel like you are having a conversation with her.  You will feel like one of her close friends after the reading of this book (I still believe this is true. ) ;)  Jen hits everything in this book about showing and extending God's grace for everyone.  

She starts with having grace for ourselves.  I think that is the hardest.  It is so much easier to have grace for others while we sit and beat up ourselves constantly.  She will make you laugh, make your cry, and make you challenge your unrealistic expectations that you have for yourself in the very first chapters.  Here are some gems from this section.

Chapter 1: Worst Beam Ever (Image credit Crystal Santos)

Chapter 2: On Turning Forty (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 3: On Calling and Haitian Moms (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 4: Fashion Concerns (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 5: Run Your Race (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 6: Not Buying (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 7: Tell the Truth (Image credit Krista Wilbur)

Chapter 8: Thank you Notes (Part 1) (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

The second section of the book is titled, "All These People Who Live in Your House."  Probably the second hardest people to have grace for because you live and deal with them.....ALL.THE.TIME.  #bless

Chapter 9: Hope for Spicy Families (Image credit Bethany Beams)

Chapter 10: Surviving School (Image credit Bethany Beams)

Chapter 11: Dear Kids (Image credit Jen Hatmaker)

Chapter 12:Marriage: Have Fun and Stuff (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 13: Jesus Kids (Image Credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 14: Thank-You Notes (Part 2) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

The third section of For the Love covers those around us.  Those we know, and those we don't.  Those we like, and those we don't.  You also get some bonus tasty recipes for starting a supper club!  (You may notice that there is no quote from chapter 19 - that is the chapter that holds all the delicious recipes!)

Chapter 15: Supper Club (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 16: Porches as Altars (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 17: Quirky (Image credit Bridgette Cook)

Chapter 18: Difficult People (Image credit Krista Wilbur)

Chapter 20: Thank-You Notes (Part 3) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

In the 4th and final section of the book, Jen writes about the grace in the church.  This includes, church leaders, congregations, and the people we serve.

Chapter 19: Poverty Tourism (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 22: Dear Church... (Image credit Kelly Richards Smith)

Chapter 23: If Social Media Were Around (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 24: Thank-You Notes (Part 4) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 25: Dear Christians, Please Stop Being Crappy 

Chapter 26: On Women

I hope these little glimpses into each chapter give you a small idea of the awesomeness that is this book!  Jen encourages her reads to go forth and love well, receiving and sharing God's grace.  

I am so excited for today's release date, so I can actually talk with those around me in my day to day life about taking things #offthebeam, or about forgetting our messes and about opening our homes (and hearts) to others to share in this life with us.  We only get one, so it's really just a shame to waste it away waiting for that one day when we have it all together.

In celebration of For the Love's launch, I will be giving away 2 copies on my FB page, Breaking for Good.  Here are the steps to get into the giveaway.  

1.  Like the Breaking for Good Facebook page (unless you already have).

2.  Share the post with the giveaway.  If you like and/or comment on the giveaway post that will give you one bonus entry.  Names will be drawn at 7:00 tomorrow evening (Texas time :) )

I hope that you enjoy this book as much as I have, and it inspires you just the same.  To visit other blogs of launch team members about the book, you can visit the For the Love blog tour page.

It is Well

It is Well.  It's been one of my favorite hymns since I heard Natalie Grant sing it at a Women of Faith conference some years ago that took my breath away.  I found myself listening to the contemporary version of this song by Bethel Music featuring Kristene Dimarco on Pandora a little over a month ago, thinking how much I liked the version, and how it would be fun to sing. Fast forward and here I am singing it with the worship band this Sunday it's funny how God works. ;)

I find myself singing this at a very appropriate time in my life.  In a time where I am feeling like it might not all be well with my soul.  A time where I feel like I am drowning in the everyday tasks of life.  A time were I am finding trouble knowing where to draw my strength and where to seek guidance.  A time where my frustrations are many and my joys are quickly forgotten.  A time where I feel like the odds are surmounting against me.  A time where I am so caught up in the schedule and busyness of life that I forget to take a minute to to sit...and be well.

It was when I sat to work on my song that it became so clear to me.  The song says, "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.  Through it all, through it all it is well."  My eyes are so trained on what is going on around me that I forget to raise them up to Him.  That phrase, "Have your prayed about it, as much as you have worried about it?" comes to mind.  If I could just keep my eyes on Him, and my thoughts focused on His plans and purpose throughout all this craziness going on around me, then I can be well.

It sounds so easy doesn't it?  I wish it were, but it takes discipline to keep eyes up instead of down.  The things and worries of this world surround us, grab our attention, and entrances us.  It's what they were made to do, but we have to take the stance that we are people in this world and not of it!  It takes work people, the devil makes it so easy to go the other way, to be focused on worldly things and not God.  It's so worth the work though.  I know that in my times of peace and feeling like it really is well with my soul is when I am dedicated to my daily devotionals, taking studies that are teaching and transforming me, talking regularly with my friends who are encouraging and seeking the same path, and just really being in relationship with God.  Seeking Him first.

I always wonder how I fall out of it, but really it only takes one slip, and I am back to my old ways, worrying and stressing, trying to figure things out on my own, and it is not well with my soul.  It's a good thing He never gives up on me.  When I come to me senses, He is always there ready with open arms.

Another lyric in the song says, "So let go my soul, and trust in Him."  That's what I pray for you and for me.  How freeing is that?  Let go and just fall into the arms of God trusting He will catch you...because He will.

It's really simple.  Keep your eyes on God and trust in Him.  It will be well with your soul.

Check out the video of Bethel Music featuring Kristene Dimarco here:

It is Well

For the Love of Friday

So anyone who knows me, knows that I am over the moon to be in the launch group for Jan Hatmaker's new book, For the Love, Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards.  I have been reading and rereading this book since March, and I cannot get enough of it.  I am so excited that soon it will be in the hands of everyone, so we can talk about it!!!

One of the ladies in the launch group has started a Friday Five post, and this Friday she has chosen to to do top 5 quotes from the book.  Mrs. Disciple has actually opened it up to all the For the Love Launch team to connect our blogs to hers, so we can have one large blog event and get to see everyone's take away from the book.

I wasn't sure I was going to be able to blog today due to my son's birthday party this evening.  He planned quite a night that kept us busy all evening, but now they have retreated upstairs to play Catan, so I am taking a moment to breath and write. :)

It's so hard to just pick 5 quotes.  I have about 5 quotes underlined per page in some chapters.  Thee is just so much goodness here.  It's like picking a favorite ice cream.  Really???  I just like them all.  Ice cream is my favorite ice cream.  That being said I made the painful cuts, and here are my top 5:

1.  "Folks who thrive in God's grace give grace easily, but the self-critical person becomes other-critical."  Guys this is just in the intro.  You haven't even dived into the chapters yet, and she hits you with this one!  I love and hate this at the same time because I constantly swing back and forth on this.  I never cared to look for the cause until I read this.  So much truth.  It opened my eyes to how I am receiving God's grace and how that directly relates to how I give grace to others.  Talk about "aha" moment.

2.  "Balance.  It's like a unicorn: we've heard about it, everyone talks about it, and makes airbrushed T-shirts celebrating it, it seems super rad, but we haven't actually seen one.  I'm beginning to think it isn't a thing."  LOL!!  This one came from Chapter 1: The Worst Beam Ever, and it had me rolling for a little while.  I love how she puts it.  The 80s girl in my could totally visual the unicorn jumping through the air, mane blowing in the breeze with the rainbow in the background.  I am sure I had one of the shirts.  This balance thing we constantly talk about, strive for, and think others have achieved.  It's all imaginary.  As soon as you think you have all your ducks in a row, something falls out of place, and you are starting all over again.  Maybe it's time to start a new goal.

3. "You are smart and able, and getting older is not a tragedy."  This comes from Chapter 6 - Not Buying. In this chapter, Jen talks about how the world is trying to sell us things based on the fact that we need them to make ourselves beautiful, make life easier, or keep us from aging.  The commercials fill our heads with how each product will make our lives better with their product.  It also gets in our kiddos heads.  My own daughter looking at my face the other day said, "Mommy you should get that cream from the commercial.  It will make your skin flawless!"  Nothing like a child's honesty to humble your perspective, but it also shows that this commercial taught her that if mommy's skin isn't perfect (not that I thought it was too bad), it can be made "flawless" with their cream.  Wow.  How did our grandmother's ever survive?   We should celebrate our abilities and not take the easy way out each time.  We should also celebrate aging and getting older.  It is taken so for granted, as this is not a guarantee for anyone.

4.  "Every parent blows it.  Every kid comes unhinged.  Every family goes off the rails.  That doesn't mean we are ruined: it means we are ordinary." This quote from Chapter 9 - Hope for Spicy Families is right on for me and my family. My poor son is the only sweet member of our crazy foursome, and I think we have corrupted him a little bit.  Yelling, losing patience, and fits are a daily struggle, but so is apologizing, cuddling, and saying, "I love you."  Sweet with the spicy means our family is not dysfunctional, we are normal, and the sooner we accept this and stop putting on the perfect front, the sooner we can stop placing guilt on ourselves and just enjoy being who we are, spiciness and all.

5.  "Ironically, the more responsibility people take for their own spiritual development and their neighbor, the healthier they become - also, less resentful of the church, less dependent on the programming, and less reliant on the pastors."  In chapter 22 - Dear church...Jen writes to both areas of the church, the leaders and the congregation.  This quote hit me right between the eyes because truly for most of my life I looked to my pastors for spiritual guidance and growth.  Not to discredit this, as pastors serve as great shepherds, but at some point I need to take some responsibility in my walk with Jesus.  I had never pondered such things before. Taking responsibility for this ended up helping me to feel free instead of burdened.  You mean I can look outside my church for studies?  I can go to the bookstore with no recommendation and find a book that speaks to me spiritually?  Talk about feeling empowered and re-energized.

Like I said, this is really just a sip of what is the fire hose of life changing, laugh inducing, tear jerking goodness that is in the book.  The book released August 18th and is already on the shelves in Barnes and Noble, so For the Love go get it!!!

Convictions and Childbirth

My convictions do not have to be your convictions.

This was a point in a Priscilla Shirer study, Discerning the Voice of God, that one of my friends hosted this past year.  This point really stuck with me and has proven itself a useful in many instances in my life since then.  It has helped me to realize that my ways and truths are not the same as others.  That does make my thoughts, or others, right or wrong.  Mine are right for me, and others are right for them.

Recently this has been brought to my mind as my brother and sister-in-law had their first child a little over a week ago.  It has been a while since my kiddos were born, and I had forgotten all the preparation and stress that goes along with getting ready to have a baby.  One of the unspoken questions people have is the birth plan for the baby.  Most people probably assume that the mom-to-be will have the baby in the same fashion they did, just because that is what they know.  Assumptions and judgements can be made if the pregnant mom's plans do not match up with the expectations of the asker. Thus begins the start of mommy guilt, and the baby isn't even here yet! :)

Me after having my son almost 11 years ago!  We both look like babies. :)

Me with my daughter almost 8 years ago.

I have generalized childbirth into 3 general areas for this post in the sake of time.  We have the non-medical approach (home birth, birth center, and birth in hospital setting with no drugs), medical approach (hospital setting with epidural and/or other pain relieving drugs, possibly pitocin, etc), and c-section (pretty straight-forward per the name).  I realize that there are other ways of becoming a mommy that are just as amazing (adoption, foster, etc.), but today I am just writing about the 3.

My sister-in-law chose a non-medical approach of having their baby in a birthing center.  This was a new one for me, as she was the first person I had known personally to have their baby this way.  This was a great approach for her though, as that is the method she was familiar and comfortable with.  Hospitals make her uncomfortable,and she really wanted a more home-like environment,so they went with the birth center and a mid-wife.  The day of delivery came, and she soldiered through her labor like a champ, but unfortunately after many hours of pushing, it was determined that the baby was going to need a little more help to come out, so she was transferred to a hospital where they could use a vacuum to bring my nephew into the world.  Not her original plan, but along the way she was able to make choices that fit with her plan for having her son.

Women that choose to have their children in this fashion are rockstars.  They choose the way that the feel is best for them to have their baby.  They choose an environment that they feel is soothing and more home-like.  They choose to go through the pain of labor and child-birth as they feel it is the safest way for them and their babies.  They take time to write out birth plans to the tiniest detail as they dream about the way they want to lovingly welcome their child into their family.  They go to classes to learn about how to navigate the pain and exhaustion while staying focused on the task at hand. They seek out mid-wives who are experienced with this type of birth process to help them along the way. These women are brave and strong in my book.

I had my babies in a hospital setting with both pitocin and an epidural.  Both my kids came early due to pre-term labor, my son at 37 weeks and my daughter at 36 weeks.  I did not really have a birth plan other than I knew I wanted an epidural and to have a baby at the end of the process.  I knew that I didn't want to feel a lot of pain, for fear that I would panic and not stay focused on the process at hand.  I had always been this way, and before I was married, I had even thought of just having one or even adopting to avoid the pain of child-birth.  When the time of delivery came though, I was in the hospital with contractions 4-5 minutes apart (each time).  I got my epidural, they broke my water, and my babies were born soon after.  My births were pretty similar except my daughter needed a little vacuum assistance due to being "sunny side up," and I had a little bleeding issue that was quickly fixed my my doctor after the birth of my son.  I wouldn't change anything about the choices that I made to bring my kiddos into the world, as they were the choices that were right for me and my kiddos.

Women that choose to have their children in a hospital setting with the assistance of medicine, such as epidurals, pitocin, and others, are rockstars too.  The choose they way that they feel is best for them and their baby.  Maybe like me, they know that they do not have the pain tolerance to experience the full on pain of labor and still be effective.  They feel more comfortable in a setting where they and their baby can be monitored by a doctor and nurse throughout the process.  They let someone stick a long needle in their back (definitely not my favorite part), so they can be comfortable enough to endure labor in the best way for them.  These women are brave and strong in my book as well.

My mom had my brother and I via c-section.  Apparently I was too stubborn to cooperate (not too mention that I was already 2 weeks late, sorry mom!), and my mom couldn't dilate past an 2.  She was taken to the operating room to have a c-section.  This was 1980, so it wasn't the same as it is now where the dad can come in and be with the mom.  She had to go through this unplanned experience having her first child by herself.  The second time when she went into labor with my brother, she at least had an idea of what to expect (vbacs were definitely not a thing in 1982), and they were able to pull some strings, and my dad was able to at least be in the room for that one.  I am personally grateful for this type of birth because it is the reason I am here today.

Women that have c-sections (notice I didn't say choose b/c despite all the controversy, I have still yet to meet a mom who chose to have a c-section straight out) are also rockstars.  Some moms go in prepared knowing that they are having a c-section, while others are planning for one method of birth then told they will be doing something different.  Either way these mom's endure surgery, having a doctor cut their bodies open to ensure a safe delivery for their baby.  Not only do these mom's recovery from being pregnant and possibly hours of labor, they also get to recover from surgery all while adjusting to life with a newborn.  While those of us who have been longing to sleep on our stomachs get to do so, moms that have had c-sections are resigned to back sleeping for a few more weeks.  These women are also brave and strong in my book.

There is a common factor among all these methods.  We are all moms who want the best situation for us and our babies.  We are all doing what we feel is the right decision for us.  Another common factor is one mom's method of birth does not diminish or make another method right or wrong for another mom.  Why is it then that we feel the need to elevate one over the other?  That we talk about the risks or why our method is better than the others?  Do we not realize that even without meaning to, we say that you are not a good mom, you did not choose the best way for your child?  Even innocent comments about certain subjects (non-medical approach to birth is outdated, epidurals shouldn't be used just for mom's comfort, she should tough it out, and the overuse of c-sections) can cause hurt feelings and needless guilt.  We each have our journey into motherhood, and we should never make assumptions on other's decisions when we haven't walked the same path.

We should celebrate each other!  Motherhood is hard people.  We don't need to make it harder by making it a competition, especially from the start.  I would rather be in a community of moms that encourage each other despite our methods and possibly learn from each other rather than elevate ourselves by trying to prove other's choices wrong because they aren't the same as ours.  Remember, our convictions, so not need to be the convictions of others.  Maybe we should chose to speak to other moms with love and grace instead of judgement.

Ugh

Ugh.  Everyone has that feeling.  

My first three weeks of summer were spent preparing then helping lead two children's camps at our church.  It was wonderful, fun, and exciting, but still at the end of each day I felt...ugh.

I have been trying to think of something to write for this blog for the past month, but I haven't had quite the inspiration lately.  I have had some lack of connection at my church services which left me feeling unfed and thus unable to produce anything worthwhile.  Ugh.

I am trying to come up with a children's sermon this Sunday.  Our pastor is preaching on the Seven Deadly Sins, and I get to come up with a children's sermon for sloth.  Ugh.  This is my exact text to our children's director.  "I would just like it noted that there is a total on ONE children's sermon online about sloth. :(  And it's terrible.  Ugh."  Ok, so the children's sermon I found wasn't exactly terrible, but I knew it wouldn't work for our service.  Ugh.

I am so tired of feeling Ugh!  As I have sat and pondered, written blog posts then completely erased them, I am coming to the resolution that maybe Ugh is just what I need to need from right now.  Maybe by feeling ugh, I can relate to other people in the same boat.  Others who are just not feeling it where they are in life right now.  Others who are tired from overextending themselves.  Others who are not taking the time to take care of their selves and nurture their soul.  We can band together as one big Ugh and whine for a little bit.  

What I have found as I surround myself in these groups that you can go one of two ways.  You can continue to whine, moan, and just go on feeling ugh.  Or you can whine, then listen to someone else's whine, then encourage each other.  Rise up above the Ugh.  Maybe get to Better, then Ok, then Good!  Well maybe not all in one sitting, but over time.  I know that the best venting sessions I have with friends ends with encouragement.  I leave feeling understood and a little lighter.  I think it's so important for us to talk about these Ugh moments and know we are not alone.  Having community that you can truly relate to and know you share in the ups and the Ughs is so important!

I also know that leaving the Ugh feeling behind takes work, and it takes an intentional decision to change perspective.  Sometimes you say a prayer, grit your teeth and fight through the Ugh.  That's what I am doing right now.  Writing the blog on really nothing, but I am writing.  Putting it out there.  Hopefully inspiration will kick in and some better posts will come along in the next couple weeks.  Looking up sermons and blogs online to fill a void that I am feeling spiritually right now.  Starting this weekend I am making myself get back on a plan for reading the Bible that I started this spring then let go after one week.  

When I look back at some times of Ugh in my life, now I can see where God was working and why those Ugh time helped me to grow and the discomfort caused me to step out and take new steps.  Other times I look at the Ugh times and just see times where I was disconnected, to friends, family, and God.  Either way getting plugged back in with my community and the Bible got me back on track, either reconnecting or growing past the Ugh.

If you are feeling Ugh today, know I feel you, am whining with you, and praying for you.

P.S. I did end up finding a children's sermon inspiration.  Kicked that Ugh to the curb!

Win at Being You

When I first bought the Anomaly cd by Christian Rap/Hip Hop artist Lecrae, I was excited to hear the music, but I was also excited to support a former classmate in his ministry.  Little did I know that that the album would speak to me in that way that it did.  I popped the cd in, and on the first listen I was hooked!  There is a song called Outsiders that immediately grabbed me.  In the space I was in (and still am in), I was struggling with what I am supposed to do in this time and place I am in.  God has put some books and experiences in my path that caused me to rethink what my priorities should be in my walk and my serving.

There is a lyric in the song that says, "I failed at being you, but I'm winning at being me."

There is so much truth in that statement.  How many times do we strive to meet someone else's goals?   Someone else's expectations?  How exhausting is that?  I know I am guilty of this.  Trying to meet the perfection standards set for us by the Facebook pictures of everyone's perfect life, the Pinterest pins of crafts, cakes, meals, school lunches, clothing, etc.  In the midst of trying to be good at everything for fear of not being able to perform/create/parent as well as the next person, we lose who we are and what our purpose is.  We can't do it all and do it well, and to be honest we are miserable doing it (although our smiling FB picture of us doing such things).  Essentially we are failing like the lyric says.  

I can't succeed at being someone else because God made me to be me.  He didn't create a cookie cutter human race with everyone have the same gifts and abilities.  He created each and every one of us to have a specific purpose.  How awesome is that?!?  Out of all the billions of people on this earth, God has a specific purpose for YOU that is not meant for anyone else. 

Trying to live in someone else's shoes may not mean that you are doing something wrong or even not God centered.  For example, there are many ministries and opportunities at my church.  I have served in some capacities because I felt like I should, and not because I felt like I had the gifts or resources to do so.  I was trying to be the person that was meant for that job when it wasn't who I was.  Let's just say it wasn't the most rewarding experiences, and at times I felt that I cheated both the ministry by not being the person they needed and the person who should have been serving by taking their place.  I have also served in capacities that I knew were my gifts and my calling.  Both opportunities are good ones, but not all were really meant for me.

What about when being me, puts me on the outside?  Good news, you are in good company.  Jesus was rejected, gossiped about by the Jewish elders of the time, put on trial and brutally killed for being Him...an outsider.  There are also so many other "outsiders" out there than you realize until you take the step in faith.  They are waiting to embrace you, encourage you, and love you for you.  Does this mean it will be easy.  Um, no.  Going against the grain of society is never easy.  Friends and family may tease you, think you are strange or even leave you altogether.  Guess what though, the Heavenly Father will never do that.  As I get older, I realize more and more that my life is so much easier when I am working to please God rather than please others.  He has also provided as I do these things to be sure that I am encouraged to continue.  Yes distractions come along and I follow them like a dog after a squirrel at times, I am human!  But once I realize it, I turn again back to the arms ready to receive me for me. 

Why waste your time here on this earth trying to be someone your not?  Live out your purpose and win at being you!