For the Love of Thyroid Surgery

Be prepared, this one is a little long.  I was going through my Timehop app today, and this showed up:

It brought me back to the beginning of a crazy journey that started over 3 years ago.

I have always had trouble with my thyroid as long as I can remember.  I had blood tests done throughout the years, but the results were always normal.  After some in-depth testing, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disease where basically my body attacks my thyroid.  It's just rude really.

Finally about 4 years ago, I had noticed that the lump in my throat seemed worse, and my voice was fatiguing and almost painful at the end of choir practice.  I was involved in the city chorale and our church choir at the time, so at first I thought I was doing too much, so I backed down.  Even still, my voice would get hoarse just from reading my daughter a short story book, so I decided to see the doctor again.  They sent me to get an ultrasound, which I truly believe could be considered a form of torture.  I already feel like I have a lump in my throat, so now I get to have someone press something up against my neck (not so gently I might add) until I felt like I couldn't breathe.  It was probably only about 15 minutes, but it felt like hours!

I was referred to an ENT to discuss what to do next.  I had assumed that I would be seeing an endocrinologist, so I was pretty surprised to see that ENTs treat thyroids as well.  In hindsight, the thryoid is located in the throat (T of ENT), so there you have it.When I got to his office, he let me know that they found a multi-nodular goiter on the right side of my thyroid (I mean seriously?) and a nodule that was borderline worrisome in size, but the real concern was that it had blood flow to it, which can be an indicator of cancer.  My doctor felt strongly that it wasn't, but they would do a biopsy when they removed the nodule along with the left side of my thyroid.  He said they would do the biopsy when I was still in surgery, and if it came back as cancerous they would go ahead and take the right side of my thyroid as well.

Fast forward to the day of surgery, I am unusually calm considering the fact that I am heading back to me 2nd surgery ever.  My family and pastor was there to pray with me beforehand, and then I went back.  I was asleep the whole time, so it went well for me!  I just remember being in recovery and asking if they just took half of the thyroid, and the answer was yes. :)  Apparently my poor husband didn't have the same relaxing experience.  My surgery that was supposed to take 45 minutes ended up taking over and hour and a half, due to the thryoid being so inflamed and bled quite a bit, plus the nodule was attached the vocal nerve.  Poor guy was outside sweating it thinking that they had to take the whole thyroid because the nodule was cancerous.  Thankfully that wasn't the case.  So we went home later that day, and recovery went well starting off.

I had adjusted to scarves being my new fall fashion to cover up my incision site, but the thing I couldn't get used to was my voice was not right and my swallowing was a bit off (I would choke very easily).  I talked in a higher octave, and it was very breathy and raspy.  I would get winded just saying a few sentences and forget trying to talk to people in a crowd because I couldn't be heard.  It was very isolating, and I started to avoid group situations due to it.  I also worried about being out and about with my kids or even by myself because I couldn't yell or scream if there was a dangerous situation.  These were all my initial concerns, so I went to the doctor again.  After 9 months of dealing with it, a couple of doctor appointments and two speech therapy evaluations, I found out that my left vocal chord had been completely paralyzed in the surgery, probably due to the removal of the nodule that was adhered to the nerve.

I'd had the surgery just a few weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Luckily I have an amazing friend who loaned me a gorgeous scarf to wear out to a nice dinner that night. :)

I was devastated.  While I knew that it was silly because otherwise I was healthy, but one thing occurred to me...I would probably never sing again.  Even with my voice slightly improving, it wasn't the same, and I would burst into coughing fits from strain. As I went to the speech therapist, she told me that likely I would always be paralyzed on the left side, which I still am, but she and the ENT were quite impressed that I had the vocal quality that I did have.  They were shocked in fact.  I told them that I was a singer (not professional by any means, but I have sang since I was little), and if possible, I would like to be able to do that still.  The speech therapist said I will never have the same range I did before, she thought with as well as I was doing now, that singing could definitely be in the future.  That was all I needed.  I worked towards singing again.

I made the mistake of getting back to singing at church a little too soon.  The will was there, but the ability not quite.  I sang a solo at the Christmas Eve surgery about a year and half after the surgery, and it was horrible.  I panicked on stage, had a slight anxiety attack, yet sang through it all (poor people in the congregation).  While it may not have been as bad as I thought, it was enough to scare me away from the thought of singing in front of others again...until about a year after that.  My vocal quality and confidence had continued to grow, and I had this crazy nudge to sing at church again.  Auditions for our praise band opened up, and I signed up.  I almost felt like God was saying, "I gave you this gift to sing, even through circumstances that should have taken it away.  You better use it!"  I auditioned, and...I have been singing with our praise band ever since.  I was so nervous but so glad I did it.  I went through some very low times thinking that I had lost this ability, so I definitely don't take it for granted now.  It's not perfect, and my voice wobbles from time to time, but I am proud of what I do have because now more than ever I realize that it is a gift.  When the doctors and therapists are shocked, I consider that a God thing. ;)

This was all confirmed again when I was reading, For the Love, this past year.  In her chapter, Run Your Race, Jen writes, "I don't like it when people minimize their gifts.  There is a difference between humility and insecurity, and self-effacement does no one any favors.  We teach our watching children to doubt and excuse and diminish themselves.  Do we want our kids to reflect on their mothers and have absolutely no idea what we loved?  What we were good at?"  My answer to this is a resounding "NO!"  I was so falling into the insecurity section both before and after my surgery.  Now I say use what you Father gave you!  Break all the rules, believe in miracles, and believe in yourself. :)

For the Love of Book Launches!! (And giveaways!)

Hello and welcome to this stop along Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love" blog tour!  I am so excited that you are here, and I welcome you with open arms.  Please pull up a comfy chair, grab a cup of coffee, tea, wine, or whatever your choice is, and enjoy the read. :)

My journey with Jen started a few years ago when I did the 7 study with my Sunday School class.  I was hooked from that point!  From there I have read Jen's personal journey with the 7 experiment, Interrupted, and Out the the Spin Cycle devotional.  When I saw a post from Jen's Facebook page this spring with a sign up to be a part of the launch group for her new book "For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards," I thought, "why not?"  It stated that she was only taking 500 people, so I put down my coffee mug (which shows how serious I was) and  signed up immediately with hopes that I would make it, but not really expecting to.  Finding out later that 5,000 people had signed up to be a part of this launch, my expectations diminished further, but hope still held on, check my email neurotically, 5 times an hour.  Spring break rolled around,  and we left for our regular skiing trip in New Mexico where there is NO SIGNAL, I repeat, NO SIGNAL.  Apparently the whole town runs on one server, which didn't help my situation.  I would try and check my email during non-peak times to see if that email had come through yet.  As we were nearing the end of our vacation, I was checking my email one last time for the day, and there it was...

They may have heard my squeal all the way back to Texas.  I was in disbelief!!  I immediately downloaded our proof version, ran back to the bedroom for the peace and quiet, and began to read!  Thus began a life changing experience for me.  Not only did this book and Jen's oh-so-wise words make a difference in my heart, mind, and soul, but belonging to a launch team who laughed together, cried together, and prayed together.  What started as a Facebook group where we could discuss the book and the effect it has had on our lives, turned into a tribe of women (and a #bandoffour men) encouraging each other through this craziness we call life.  I am forever grateful and forever changed.

You guys this book!  This book is for everyone!  Yes it is marketed towards women, but the #bandoffour men on our launch team enjoyed it as well.  Jen's writes so beautifully and intimately that you feel like you are having a conversation with her.  You will feel like one of her close friends after the reading of this book (I still believe this is true. ) ;)  Jen hits everything in this book about showing and extending God's grace for everyone.  

She starts with having grace for ourselves.  I think that is the hardest.  It is so much easier to have grace for others while we sit and beat up ourselves constantly.  She will make you laugh, make your cry, and make you challenge your unrealistic expectations that you have for yourself in the very first chapters.  Here are some gems from this section.

Chapter 1: Worst Beam Ever (Image credit Crystal Santos)

Chapter 2: On Turning Forty (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 3: On Calling and Haitian Moms (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 4: Fashion Concerns (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 5: Run Your Race (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 6: Not Buying (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 7: Tell the Truth (Image credit Krista Wilbur)

Chapter 8: Thank you Notes (Part 1) (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

The second section of the book is titled, "All These People Who Live in Your House."  Probably the second hardest people to have grace for because you live and deal with them.....ALL.THE.TIME.  #bless

Chapter 9: Hope for Spicy Families (Image credit Bethany Beams)

Chapter 10: Surviving School (Image credit Bethany Beams)

Chapter 11: Dear Kids (Image credit Jen Hatmaker)

Chapter 12:Marriage: Have Fun and Stuff (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 13: Jesus Kids (Image Credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 14: Thank-You Notes (Part 2) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

The third section of For the Love covers those around us.  Those we know, and those we don't.  Those we like, and those we don't.  You also get some bonus tasty recipes for starting a supper club!  (You may notice that there is no quote from chapter 19 - that is the chapter that holds all the delicious recipes!)

Chapter 15: Supper Club (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 16: Porches as Altars (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 17: Quirky (Image credit Bridgette Cook)

Chapter 18: Difficult People (Image credit Krista Wilbur)

Chapter 20: Thank-You Notes (Part 3) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

In the 4th and final section of the book, Jen writes about the grace in the church.  This includes, church leaders, congregations, and the people we serve.

Chapter 19: Poverty Tourism (Image credit Carlee Ann Easton)

Chapter 22: Dear Church... (Image credit Kelly Richards Smith)

Chapter 23: If Social Media Were Around (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 24: Thank-You Notes (Part 4) (Image credit Leslie Carlton)

Chapter 25: Dear Christians, Please Stop Being Crappy 

Chapter 26: On Women

I hope these little glimpses into each chapter give you a small idea of the awesomeness that is this book!  Jen encourages her reads to go forth and love well, receiving and sharing God's grace.  

I am so excited for today's release date, so I can actually talk with those around me in my day to day life about taking things #offthebeam, or about forgetting our messes and about opening our homes (and hearts) to others to share in this life with us.  We only get one, so it's really just a shame to waste it away waiting for that one day when we have it all together.

In celebration of For the Love's launch, I will be giving away 2 copies on my FB page, Breaking for Good.  Here are the steps to get into the giveaway.  

1.  Like the Breaking for Good Facebook page (unless you already have).

2.  Share the post with the giveaway.  If you like and/or comment on the giveaway post that will give you one bonus entry.  Names will be drawn at 7:00 tomorrow evening (Texas time :) )

I hope that you enjoy this book as much as I have, and it inspires you just the same.  To visit other blogs of launch team members about the book, you can visit the For the Love blog tour page.

For the Love of Friday

So anyone who knows me, knows that I am over the moon to be in the launch group for Jan Hatmaker's new book, For the Love, Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards.  I have been reading and rereading this book since March, and I cannot get enough of it.  I am so excited that soon it will be in the hands of everyone, so we can talk about it!!!

One of the ladies in the launch group has started a Friday Five post, and this Friday she has chosen to to do top 5 quotes from the book.  Mrs. Disciple has actually opened it up to all the For the Love Launch team to connect our blogs to hers, so we can have one large blog event and get to see everyone's take away from the book.

I wasn't sure I was going to be able to blog today due to my son's birthday party this evening.  He planned quite a night that kept us busy all evening, but now they have retreated upstairs to play Catan, so I am taking a moment to breath and write. :)

It's so hard to just pick 5 quotes.  I have about 5 quotes underlined per page in some chapters.  Thee is just so much goodness here.  It's like picking a favorite ice cream.  Really???  I just like them all.  Ice cream is my favorite ice cream.  That being said I made the painful cuts, and here are my top 5:

1.  "Folks who thrive in God's grace give grace easily, but the self-critical person becomes other-critical."  Guys this is just in the intro.  You haven't even dived into the chapters yet, and she hits you with this one!  I love and hate this at the same time because I constantly swing back and forth on this.  I never cared to look for the cause until I read this.  So much truth.  It opened my eyes to how I am receiving God's grace and how that directly relates to how I give grace to others.  Talk about "aha" moment.

2.  "Balance.  It's like a unicorn: we've heard about it, everyone talks about it, and makes airbrushed T-shirts celebrating it, it seems super rad, but we haven't actually seen one.  I'm beginning to think it isn't a thing."  LOL!!  This one came from Chapter 1: The Worst Beam Ever, and it had me rolling for a little while.  I love how she puts it.  The 80s girl in my could totally visual the unicorn jumping through the air, mane blowing in the breeze with the rainbow in the background.  I am sure I had one of the shirts.  This balance thing we constantly talk about, strive for, and think others have achieved.  It's all imaginary.  As soon as you think you have all your ducks in a row, something falls out of place, and you are starting all over again.  Maybe it's time to start a new goal.

3. "You are smart and able, and getting older is not a tragedy."  This comes from Chapter 6 - Not Buying. In this chapter, Jen talks about how the world is trying to sell us things based on the fact that we need them to make ourselves beautiful, make life easier, or keep us from aging.  The commercials fill our heads with how each product will make our lives better with their product.  It also gets in our kiddos heads.  My own daughter looking at my face the other day said, "Mommy you should get that cream from the commercial.  It will make your skin flawless!"  Nothing like a child's honesty to humble your perspective, but it also shows that this commercial taught her that if mommy's skin isn't perfect (not that I thought it was too bad), it can be made "flawless" with their cream.  Wow.  How did our grandmother's ever survive?   We should celebrate our abilities and not take the easy way out each time.  We should also celebrate aging and getting older.  It is taken so for granted, as this is not a guarantee for anyone.

4.  "Every parent blows it.  Every kid comes unhinged.  Every family goes off the rails.  That doesn't mean we are ruined: it means we are ordinary." This quote from Chapter 9 - Hope for Spicy Families is right on for me and my family. My poor son is the only sweet member of our crazy foursome, and I think we have corrupted him a little bit.  Yelling, losing patience, and fits are a daily struggle, but so is apologizing, cuddling, and saying, "I love you."  Sweet with the spicy means our family is not dysfunctional, we are normal, and the sooner we accept this and stop putting on the perfect front, the sooner we can stop placing guilt on ourselves and just enjoy being who we are, spiciness and all.

5.  "Ironically, the more responsibility people take for their own spiritual development and their neighbor, the healthier they become - also, less resentful of the church, less dependent on the programming, and less reliant on the pastors."  In chapter 22 - Dear church...Jen writes to both areas of the church, the leaders and the congregation.  This quote hit me right between the eyes because truly for most of my life I looked to my pastors for spiritual guidance and growth.  Not to discredit this, as pastors serve as great shepherds, but at some point I need to take some responsibility in my walk with Jesus.  I had never pondered such things before. Taking responsibility for this ended up helping me to feel free instead of burdened.  You mean I can look outside my church for studies?  I can go to the bookstore with no recommendation and find a book that speaks to me spiritually?  Talk about feeling empowered and re-energized.

Like I said, this is really just a sip of what is the fire hose of life changing, laugh inducing, tear jerking goodness that is in the book.  The book released August 18th and is already on the shelves in Barnes and Noble, so For the Love go get it!!!

Someone Pinch Me

So while on vacation with my family this spring break, I received some awesome news.  I was checking my email on the very slow (I mean dial up could have beaten it) internet connection in the town we were staying at, and I get an email from For the Love Team.  SQUEAL!!!

Now backtrack a week ago, I was looking at Facebook, and I saw this...

Of course I jump on, apply less than an hour after the original post, then proceed to check Facebook and email a ridiculous amount of times for the rest of the week.  When I hadn't heard anything before we left on vacation, I had convinced myself that they were still sorting through everything, since I had read on Facebook that they had about 5000 applicants and only 500 spots (WOW!).  A little part of me knew my chances were slim and prepared for the worst.  I went on vacation vowing not to be obsessed with checking email, and I did pretty good. I was just checking that night for the first time the whole day, and up the email popped!  

I had to read it twice to make sure I was not just reading what I wanted to read!  It started off with the best message from Jen herself, then went on to explain the details of the launch team.  I seriously have been on cloud 9 since!  If you haven't realized it by now, I am slightly obsessed with Jen (in a healthy, love her perspective and message way, although I am a little starstruck at the thought of seeing her at Women of Faith this year!)  I am currently leading an online study on her book 7, and her other book I read earlier this year, Interrupted, has completely ruined my life for good!

I am honored and a little overwhelmed at the opportunity to be a part of the release of her new book, For the Love.  I still feel like I am dreaming, but it's for real!! While I can't divulge any information yet, be on the lookout for tidbits from the book (I have have only just started, and I am already loving it!) and information on how to pre-order it.  If you keep up with Jen Hatmaker on Facebook or on Jen's blog, you have seen her mention the book For the Love as she has gone through the writing process.  The full title is For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards.  Just the title has me nodding and saying, "Yes!"

While this is a journey that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be on, here I am!  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me with this one!  Stay tuned....