For the Love of Thyroid Surgery

Be prepared, this one is a little long.  I was going through my Timehop app today, and this showed up:

It brought me back to the beginning of a crazy journey that started over 3 years ago.

I have always had trouble with my thyroid as long as I can remember.  I had blood tests done throughout the years, but the results were always normal.  After some in-depth testing, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disease where basically my body attacks my thyroid.  It's just rude really.

Finally about 4 years ago, I had noticed that the lump in my throat seemed worse, and my voice was fatiguing and almost painful at the end of choir practice.  I was involved in the city chorale and our church choir at the time, so at first I thought I was doing too much, so I backed down.  Even still, my voice would get hoarse just from reading my daughter a short story book, so I decided to see the doctor again.  They sent me to get an ultrasound, which I truly believe could be considered a form of torture.  I already feel like I have a lump in my throat, so now I get to have someone press something up against my neck (not so gently I might add) until I felt like I couldn't breathe.  It was probably only about 15 minutes, but it felt like hours!

I was referred to an ENT to discuss what to do next.  I had assumed that I would be seeing an endocrinologist, so I was pretty surprised to see that ENTs treat thyroids as well.  In hindsight, the thryoid is located in the throat (T of ENT), so there you have it.When I got to his office, he let me know that they found a multi-nodular goiter on the right side of my thyroid (I mean seriously?) and a nodule that was borderline worrisome in size, but the real concern was that it had blood flow to it, which can be an indicator of cancer.  My doctor felt strongly that it wasn't, but they would do a biopsy when they removed the nodule along with the left side of my thyroid.  He said they would do the biopsy when I was still in surgery, and if it came back as cancerous they would go ahead and take the right side of my thyroid as well.

Fast forward to the day of surgery, I am unusually calm considering the fact that I am heading back to me 2nd surgery ever.  My family and pastor was there to pray with me beforehand, and then I went back.  I was asleep the whole time, so it went well for me!  I just remember being in recovery and asking if they just took half of the thyroid, and the answer was yes. :)  Apparently my poor husband didn't have the same relaxing experience.  My surgery that was supposed to take 45 minutes ended up taking over and hour and a half, due to the thryoid being so inflamed and bled quite a bit, plus the nodule was attached the vocal nerve.  Poor guy was outside sweating it thinking that they had to take the whole thyroid because the nodule was cancerous.  Thankfully that wasn't the case.  So we went home later that day, and recovery went well starting off.

I had adjusted to scarves being my new fall fashion to cover up my incision site, but the thing I couldn't get used to was my voice was not right and my swallowing was a bit off (I would choke very easily).  I talked in a higher octave, and it was very breathy and raspy.  I would get winded just saying a few sentences and forget trying to talk to people in a crowd because I couldn't be heard.  It was very isolating, and I started to avoid group situations due to it.  I also worried about being out and about with my kids or even by myself because I couldn't yell or scream if there was a dangerous situation.  These were all my initial concerns, so I went to the doctor again.  After 9 months of dealing with it, a couple of doctor appointments and two speech therapy evaluations, I found out that my left vocal chord had been completely paralyzed in the surgery, probably due to the removal of the nodule that was adhered to the nerve.

I'd had the surgery just a few weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary.
Luckily I have an amazing friend who loaned me a gorgeous scarf to wear out to a nice dinner that night. :)

I was devastated.  While I knew that it was silly because otherwise I was healthy, but one thing occurred to me...I would probably never sing again.  Even with my voice slightly improving, it wasn't the same, and I would burst into coughing fits from strain. As I went to the speech therapist, she told me that likely I would always be paralyzed on the left side, which I still am, but she and the ENT were quite impressed that I had the vocal quality that I did have.  They were shocked in fact.  I told them that I was a singer (not professional by any means, but I have sang since I was little), and if possible, I would like to be able to do that still.  The speech therapist said I will never have the same range I did before, she thought with as well as I was doing now, that singing could definitely be in the future.  That was all I needed.  I worked towards singing again.

I made the mistake of getting back to singing at church a little too soon.  The will was there, but the ability not quite.  I sang a solo at the Christmas Eve surgery about a year and half after the surgery, and it was horrible.  I panicked on stage, had a slight anxiety attack, yet sang through it all (poor people in the congregation).  While it may not have been as bad as I thought, it was enough to scare me away from the thought of singing in front of others again...until about a year after that.  My vocal quality and confidence had continued to grow, and I had this crazy nudge to sing at church again.  Auditions for our praise band opened up, and I signed up.  I almost felt like God was saying, "I gave you this gift to sing, even through circumstances that should have taken it away.  You better use it!"  I auditioned, and...I have been singing with our praise band ever since.  I was so nervous but so glad I did it.  I went through some very low times thinking that I had lost this ability, so I definitely don't take it for granted now.  It's not perfect, and my voice wobbles from time to time, but I am proud of what I do have because now more than ever I realize that it is a gift.  When the doctors and therapists are shocked, I consider that a God thing. ;)

This was all confirmed again when I was reading, For the Love, this past year.  In her chapter, Run Your Race, Jen writes, "I don't like it when people minimize their gifts.  There is a difference between humility and insecurity, and self-effacement does no one any favors.  We teach our watching children to doubt and excuse and diminish themselves.  Do we want our kids to reflect on their mothers and have absolutely no idea what we loved?  What we were good at?"  My answer to this is a resounding "NO!"  I was so falling into the insecurity section both before and after my surgery.  Now I say use what you Father gave you!  Break all the rules, believe in miracles, and believe in yourself. :)