This was a point in a Priscilla Shirer study, Discerning the Voice of God, that one of my friends hosted this past year. This point really stuck with me and has proven itself a useful in many instances in my life since then. It has helped me to realize that my ways and truths are not the same as others. That does make my thoughts, or others, right or wrong. Mine are right for me, and others are right for them.
Recently this has been brought to my mind as my brother and sister-in-law had their first child a little over a week ago. It has been a while since my kiddos were born, and I had forgotten all the preparation and stress that goes along with getting ready to have a baby. One of the unspoken questions people have is the birth plan for the baby. Most people probably assume that the mom-to-be will have the baby in the same fashion they did, just because that is what they know. Assumptions and judgements can be made if the pregnant mom's plans do not match up with the expectations of the asker. Thus begins the start of mommy guilt, and the baby isn't even here yet! :)
Me after having my son almost 11 years ago! We both look like babies. :)
Me with my daughter almost 8 years ago.
I have generalized childbirth into 3 general areas for this post in the sake of time. We have the non-medical approach (home birth, birth center, and birth in hospital setting with no drugs), medical approach (hospital setting with epidural and/or other pain relieving drugs, possibly pitocin, etc), and c-section (pretty straight-forward per the name). I realize that there are other ways of becoming a mommy that are just as amazing (adoption, foster, etc.), but today I am just writing about the 3.
My sister-in-law chose a non-medical approach of having their baby in a birthing center. This was a new one for me, as she was the first person I had known personally to have their baby this way. This was a great approach for her though, as that is the method she was familiar and comfortable with. Hospitals make her uncomfortable,and she really wanted a more home-like environment,so they went with the birth center and a mid-wife. The day of delivery came, and she soldiered through her labor like a champ, but unfortunately after many hours of pushing, it was determined that the baby was going to need a little more help to come out, so she was transferred to a hospital where they could use a vacuum to bring my nephew into the world. Not her original plan, but along the way she was able to make choices that fit with her plan for having her son.
Women that choose to have their children in this fashion are rockstars. They choose the way that the feel is best for them to have their baby. They choose an environment that they feel is soothing and more home-like. They choose to go through the pain of labor and child-birth as they feel it is the safest way for them and their babies. They take time to write out birth plans to the tiniest detail as they dream about the way they want to lovingly welcome their child into their family. They go to classes to learn about how to navigate the pain and exhaustion while staying focused on the task at hand. They seek out mid-wives who are experienced with this type of birth process to help them along the way. These women are brave and strong in my book.
I had my babies in a hospital setting with both pitocin and an epidural. Both my kids came early due to pre-term labor, my son at 37 weeks and my daughter at 36 weeks. I did not really have a birth plan other than I knew I wanted an epidural and to have a baby at the end of the process. I knew that I didn't want to feel a lot of pain, for fear that I would panic and not stay focused on the process at hand. I had always been this way, and before I was married, I had even thought of just having one or even adopting to avoid the pain of child-birth. When the time of delivery came though, I was in the hospital with contractions 4-5 minutes apart (each time). I got my epidural, they broke my water, and my babies were born soon after. My births were pretty similar except my daughter needed a little vacuum assistance due to being "sunny side up," and I had a little bleeding issue that was quickly fixed my my doctor after the birth of my son. I wouldn't change anything about the choices that I made to bring my kiddos into the world, as they were the choices that were right for me and my kiddos.
Women that choose to have their children in a hospital setting with the assistance of medicine, such as epidurals, pitocin, and others, are rockstars too. The choose they way that they feel is best for them and their baby. Maybe like me, they know that they do not have the pain tolerance to experience the full on pain of labor and still be effective. They feel more comfortable in a setting where they and their baby can be monitored by a doctor and nurse throughout the process. They let someone stick a long needle in their back (definitely not my favorite part), so they can be comfortable enough to endure labor in the best way for them. These women are brave and strong in my book as well.
My mom had my brother and I via c-section. Apparently I was too stubborn to cooperate (not too mention that I was already 2 weeks late, sorry mom!), and my mom couldn't dilate past an 2. She was taken to the operating room to have a c-section. This was 1980, so it wasn't the same as it is now where the dad can come in and be with the mom. She had to go through this unplanned experience having her first child by herself. The second time when she went into labor with my brother, she at least had an idea of what to expect (vbacs were definitely not a thing in 1982), and they were able to pull some strings, and my dad was able to at least be in the room for that one. I am personally grateful for this type of birth because it is the reason I am here today.
Women that have c-sections (notice I didn't say choose b/c despite all the controversy, I have still yet to meet a mom who chose to have a c-section straight out) are also rockstars. Some moms go in prepared knowing that they are having a c-section, while others are planning for one method of birth then told they will be doing something different. Either way these mom's endure surgery, having a doctor cut their bodies open to ensure a safe delivery for their baby. Not only do these mom's recovery from being pregnant and possibly hours of labor, they also get to recover from surgery all while adjusting to life with a newborn. While those of us who have been longing to sleep on our stomachs get to do so, moms that have had c-sections are resigned to back sleeping for a few more weeks. These women are also brave and strong in my book.
There is a common factor among all these methods. We are all moms who want the best situation for us and our babies. We are all doing what we feel is the right decision for us. Another common factor is one mom's method of birth does not diminish or make another method right or wrong for another mom. Why is it then that we feel the need to elevate one over the other? That we talk about the risks or why our method is better than the others? Do we not realize that even without meaning to, we say that you are not a good mom, you did not choose the best way for your child? Even innocent comments about certain subjects (non-medical approach to birth is outdated, epidurals shouldn't be used just for mom's comfort, she should tough it out, and the overuse of c-sections) can cause hurt feelings and needless guilt. We each have our journey into motherhood, and we should never make assumptions on other's decisions when we haven't walked the same path.
We should celebrate each other! Motherhood is hard people. We don't need to make it harder by making it a competition, especially from the start. I would rather be in a community of moms that encourage each other despite our methods and possibly learn from each other rather than elevate ourselves by trying to prove other's choices wrong because they aren't the same as ours. Remember, our convictions, so not need to be the convictions of others. Maybe we should chose to speak to other moms with love and grace instead of judgement.
